i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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