So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
