My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
