The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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