there's paper in my vomit.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
