That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
