Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
too bad you live with your parents still
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
