did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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