How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
