i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
