i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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