I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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