So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
