I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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