I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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