Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
