I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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