just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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