i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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