you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
