i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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