New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
