No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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