She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
