Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
