no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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