Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
