Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND