Writing my paper on freud at bar
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people