you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
