dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
