Banned from zoo.
Again?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
