I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
