I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont lie about slip and slides
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize