Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
