he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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