Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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