Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
