yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
