Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
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Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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