You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
