Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
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Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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