No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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