i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
