Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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