I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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