STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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