did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
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Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
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I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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