he puts the penis in happiness.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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