there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
