Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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