We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
