I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
