Grow some girl-balls and come out already
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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