I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was confusing and full of hummus
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
