Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
