i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
