Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
