i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
